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What will be will be...

So as i sit here and think about James and his name on the list for Iraq I have to consider if i want to give in and let them take him or fight within my self and claim him as MINE or just hope he doesn't go and let the universe fill with my hope...NOPE I will become one with the universe I will not succumb to the negativity nor the roller-coaster of the fear of him going. I will claim what is mine and give that energy to the universe the "HE IS NOT GOING TO IRAQ HE WILL COME HOME INSTEAD" I am tired of letting the fear overcome me and run my life. I am taking it under control and what will be will be.

Life as we know it.....

Amazing, almost 3 months have passed since moving back to Oklahoma. But it has been an amazing 5 months, rough and a wonderful experience.

Paul and I broke up (mutually agreeable) we just were not compatible, I realized I learned all that I could from our relationship, he just realized he was not happy. Not realizing the BIGGER picture. The kids no longer cared for him, they said he was two faced, treated them a different way in front of me than when he was alone with them. It was just time for him to move on. Well the house we lived in was 850.00 a month and depended greatly on the income he brought in from his GI bill. I would have never chosen that house if I could not rely on that income. So we discussed it and thought he would stay at least till Christmas. Not so much he was out and gone within a week. He moved in with one of the guys he goes to college with that was in the middle of a divorce from his wife. So I was nice through the whole thing helped him etc...he was on my checking account and I could not remove him because the only way was for the other person to die or to close the account. Well my paycheck was deposited and my child support and I had stuff coming out. So he promised not to mess with the account well he lied and in February he took out 1400.00 and closed my checking account. His reason was because I left him with 2500 of unpaid bills and he is putting 1100 with it to pay it off...BULLSHIT..I had all bills forwarded to me except the gas it was in his name and they would not let me do anything to it. So the bills that were still out to clear that were also in his name well they did not clear because he closed the account. Along with a few more things he screwed me on. I never thought that he would do something so low. But KARMA will be his friend for quite a while. I only wished for justification where it is due. I needed to right this and get it out so I can forgive him and get on with life. Not that I am still in love with him or even love him. He was a path in my life that I had to take and a lesson I had to learn on my own. LESSON LEARNED...

Now that I have that out of my system. I have met my soul mate..Truly well have known him for a few years or well more like 5 years actually and we both knew a few years ago that we shared something but we never experienced even a kiss. This guy is truly amazing and GETS ME... he understands me and wants to love me and my children..well he has loved me and the children. He is my age and truly respects me and my children. He was married to my best friend (yes we are still best friends I live with her and take care of her now)..

So there is this boy....that I have known short of forever and way back we had a connection but we both knew it could not be back then but had an idea. We remained friends and continued to live our lives. Until one day came where we were both in the right place at the right time and finally discussed our lives and where we were going.

Well come to find out he has been in love with me this whole time but was waiting for me, waiting for the right time to confess it to me. So we get together and it comes to me he is MR RIGHT FOREVER...he is my SOUL MATE...and here is my story.... So he visits and we go to taco bell and we randomly at the same time hand each other the same Taco Bell packet “will you marry me” well the kids tried to find another one just the same and there were no more...ha ha..well I kept the one he gave me and he kept the one I gave him....so finally Christmas break gets here and I go off to Oklahoma and he comes in for Christmas getting ready for his new duty station and well its pretty late and he has to finish wrapping presents and so I fall asleep in the chase lounge. He comes out and tells me that I need to open the one right then because the refrigerator is packed, I tell him no that I can make room. I was still a bit out of it and he refused me to get up and they are all like no just go ahead it will be fine...well the box which was about the size of a pretty big ornament was very cold so I was believing. So he is kneeled beside me and as soon as I open the box it was stuffed with nothing but TACO BELL PACKETS..I started crying simply because of the sentimental and romantic aspect of it. He just smiles and I start reading the packets and my friends husband says just count them....so I start counting and the way the box is sitting in my lap I cannot see in as I’m reaching in and counting.....73...74...75...76..and as I get to 77 and reach to grab my next packet I grab a smaller box.....and then I start crying more...(you see way back in the day I had told him that if another guy gets on his knee and proposes to me he better be eye level because I do not want my equal looking up at me I want him eye to eye when he asks) you see he remembered that and even repeated those words back to me as I opened the box and around the packet that said will you marry me was my ring....he chose for me. I did not even realize what was happening until I had reached the box, I did not even realize he was already on one knee beside me. And of course I said yes.....

Well he is now stationed in Ft. Hood (Waco, Texas) I will not be moving there since I live 6 hours from him and there is a possibility he might have to go to Iraq in about 2 weeks. He is in the process of trying to get reassigned to Ft. Sill but not sure of anything just yet.

My nephew graduates in May so I will be going to Alabama in May for 3 days.

Kaitlyne being 13 is about to whoop my ass...she wears a size 30B bra but because size B's are not in 30's we had to go to 32B..OMG.....what happened to my lil girl he wanted me to braid her hair and curl it....(well she still wants me to do that because she cannot do it herself) but OMG....she has booty and boobies...it was like she went to bed and woke up all blossomed....but she has not started her period yet...she gets the moodiness and all that happy crap...Then there is the boyfriends...UGH...but she is such a tomboy its crazy.....literally she gets out and rides Logan's bicycle and flips over the handle bars, she gets out in the tree house, she gets bruises and skins but will still wear her nails polished her rings etc...but she has an opinion and tells it how it is and don't put up with crap from no one and that is what makes her great...Then there is Logan he just turned 12 and is discovering girls and his talent of drumming (we got him his own jembe for Christmas)  OMG he is such a natural because he is also good on the Conga's and the homemade wooden flute. He is just a natural at musical instruments and very artistic. So I embrace these happenings with open arms. 

I am a stay at home mom right now, I am enjoying it alot I must say. I stay at home and take care of my best friend who is debilitated by her illness
Ankylosing spondylitis (AS) it is a systemic rheumatic disease meaning it affects the entire body, mainly it is an auto immune disease and mainly affects men and the ration of men to woman that get it is 3:1 so it is pretty rare that she has this. So far she has beat it but it has been a very bumpy road. She is a fighter and most in the stages she is in have lost and succumb to the seizure of joints in the pelvic and spine. 

Anywho....I don't need you puking on me or hiccuping because i overloaded you...LOL....until next time journal..keep my thoughts safe and talk to you soon....

HICCUP.........


Well the saying is when you fall down....get up brush yourself off and keep on going. It is at those moments that will make or break someone. You can chose to stay down and let everyone walk all over you and let life pass you by, OR you can get up stay up and face those steps in life head on and conquer each with a new look on life. The point of this comment is that since the beginning of July I have been encountered one thing after another, not sure why but never ever ever do I say WHY ME or WHAT NEXT....because you will be shown why you and what else. So I simply take light of those situations and blame murphy or there is always a reason and purpose of incidents in life.

First I go to the doctor with gut wrenching pain in my upper abdomen that feels like the worse heartburn/acid reflux x10, I am sent to the ER with possible pancreatitis and liver issues...why is it the first thing the damn doc's and nurses want to ask you is your drinking habits..i tell them oh i have about 4 a day (SODAS that is), I do not smoke, do not do drugs, i drink very rarely, but tests were coming back as pancreatitis and liver failure...OH GREAT cuz you cannot live without a liver....i think.....ha ha....this date is June 30 and the next morning I am suppose to be in Hendersonville, NC to get my kids from camp and the doc tells me I am not going anywhere but being admitted and they give me dilaud for pain...woah mamma mia..that stuff..yeah....so my fiance paul had to go the next morning and get them. At this point i am so distraut the only thing i can think about is how quick i need to be out of the hospital because i have to make 24 deviled eggs for a 4th of july party...ha ha doc says maybe i might get out by then....so by the end of the day im fighting a migraine and they want to give my hydrocodone for this..ha ha....does not touch the migraine but makes me woozy.....i tell them what i need finally relief....skipping to the kids coming home the next day by the time they get there i am in so much pain from my sciatica nerve that im crying so they give me dilaud again....relief...whew...so the ultrasound falls through and because i could have no food or drink after midnight they had given me a liquid diet and then im pissed cuz i cannot go home Friday like i wanted.....i finally get the ultrasound saturday morning and i have gallstones and a kidneystone the size of a BB and follicular cyst on my ovary...great.....but i keep smiling...even though i know they have kept me in longer than need be....So i am released and have to see the surgeon on the 7th of july because of the damn holiday.....then i end up surgery date of july 13th let me remind you still no work by this time..so i use all my PTO then i have to go to FMLA and short term disability...FMLA protects my job....and short term disability well it paid barely any money at all.....Im still smiling though and fighting back tears.....all in all i was out for a month but i remembered that someone out there is worse of than I was. So then i start gaining all the weight back that I have slowly lost the past year...UGH.....well then i turn 40 in September...go to my moms in alabama and have a wonderful time...but i am so tired of driving everywhere i want to go on strike and throw up signs that says this way to TRACY's house......Well the kids are doing so awesome in school i am really surprised..they are staying focused and might get a C every once in a while.....not to often considering logan is in renasaince math and all there curriculum has been bumped up a grade so the 6th graders are doing 7th grade work and 7th graders are doing 8th grade work now...they have there moments but im proud...Kaitlyne is about to be 13 she has a boyfriend...and ya know she is handling it really responsibly...Logan has a girlfriend and well it is his first official girlfriend and he is like mom her hand is so soft and mine gets all sweaty...LOL....he is my drama free child and Kaitlyne is well not full of drama but somehow gets pulled into it all....Then there is the whole bully thing and if someone gets hit and then reports it then both will get punishment...really how right is that "your the bully you get detention" and "your the victim lets give you the same thing" how does that solve the effects of the bully they can now do it more and the child is more fearful than ever...and do not feel they can go to anyone with their problems....

Im sorry Journal please do not hiccup and puke this out...I really try not to overload you with so much of my sensless rambling but I HAD TO...for everyone sake...<sigh> relief...Love you all......

Writer's Block: Lesson learned

The transition from youth to adulthood can be smooth or incredibly difficult. What is the most important lesson you learned since middle school, and how has it guided you?

Well I would have to say the true value of an education and teacher's really cared when I was in school, they took the time to TEACH the lesson and not so much on "no child left behind" because in fact there are some left behind, what about those that do not catch on as quick as the other children in class? they are left behind, my daughter is one of those students. Yep! middle school has helped me with a better understanding of what to expect.

Writer's Block: Nirvana

What is your favorite place in the world? What makes it so meaningful to you? How often do you visit or imagine being there?

My favorite place in the world is with my children. Being with my children is the happiest moments in my life, they can make me smile with amusement and tears of joy to know that I have molded these little people to grow up into a great woman and man. I am my best when I am with my children. Being a mom defines who I really am and what purpose I have to be here.

Tracy

LONG TIME

So, it has been quiet a while since i have updated, but my gosh time flies when your busy, with a full time job, kids and there school and then there is soccer that i help coach, my school, that is taking up so much time, i have 6 more months and i graduate WOO HOO finally.

So, i got a promotion at work and i now work M-F 7:00 - 3:30. I drive 60 miles a day now. But i am not tied to a front desk and i get paid way more money. So before I got the promotion we were looking for a place further away from the city and fast pace of everything. We live in this 3 bedroom apartment upstairs and honestly IT SUCKS and im sick of it. So in February we will be moving out further into the country. WOO HOO....

So my oldest turned 12 and is about to go on her first lock in....can you smell the paranoia.....and as soon as i mention it to a co-worker she says not to scare you but this lady I know let her daughter go to one of those and ended up knocked up. I was like gee thanks...I was already having a hard time with allowing her to go to a church for a lock in with people I do not know, but she goes to school with the girl and is in band with the girl and i know her mom...So my mind is eased up some. But i have to let her have this experience but I bet it will be quiet and i will not sleep....LOL......

So the kids daddy is in iraq, he left in September and will be gone for a year. The kids miss him a little bit, but when they were around him they felt like he was 10,000 miles away. And not to mention the wicked step mom the kids have..and well them living in Kansas wicked step mom is right where she belongs.....LOL....Kaitlyne has finally started standing up to her daddy and giving her opinion about how she feels on things and well Brian is kind of shocked by it all and was yelling and shit and I stopped him in his tracks and was like no your not gonna yell at me because she has an opinion. Well he seems to think it is stuff that i told her to say. She was like no daddy this is my own words, and mommy does not talk about you like yall do about her....OUCH! All this happened because he is not going to be around next summer to get them for the entire 8 weeks and wants his mom to be able to see them. I told him yes not a problem but it had to be a time that Logan is not in Soccer Camp and not sure what kaitlyne wants to do just yet...i think mainly hang with her friends. But I never told her no then kaitlyne told Brian that she did not want to spend the whole summer with her MAMAW...well i guess the woman thought she said NONE...and she started emailing Kaitlyne talking about i guess you don' t love mamaw and grandpa anymore and guess we dont count since you dont wanna see us this summer..and kaitlyne was like i never said no....i just dont wanna go the whole summer so i called Brian and told him to get his mom under control or I will. Well he thought he had it in the divorce decree that his mom could see the kids if he could not and well it says she is to pick the kids up for Brian to meet him if he cannot make it for visitation exchange..I informed him that the lawyer specifically said it needs to say in lieu of my visitation i would like for my mom to excercise it while im deployed....nope he was wrong..again...so anyway....1 week in the summer to Arkansas they will be fine...be just enough to enjoy it but not hate it and miss mommy...LOL....

So on to my love life....AHHHHHHAWWWWWWWWWW.....I am so in love, the way this man looks at me everyday, no matter how bad of a day i have had, no matter how tired or sick i am, he is always there to help me, he cooks, he helps the kids with their homework, he does the laundry, he loves me.......And i love him just as much. Will we ever get married probably not. We have talked about it a few times. And well it just does not seem to spark anything in him.....and then i will agree with him...but secretly i do want to be his wife, no i do not need a piece of paper or a ring to declare that, but it makes it more real...instead of my boyfriend or my partner....he is MY HUSBAND...that im telling you is the ultimate feeling..never in the past 3 marriages has the word husband touched my soul like it does when i refer to him as mine. We just hit our 10 month anniversary of being together..But have known each other alot longer ( which is in a previous post). We do have our moments, no our life is not perfect but it is worth the occasional arguement and dispute, as long as we come out of it with answers and knowing why we were having it to begin with. He is a wonderful man and has alot of patience with me. But when will that end? I mean will he get tired of doing what he is doing one day? Will he be tired of someone elses kids? These are questions he has answered but honestly i wonder if he has looked into his soul and wondered himself. I know right now he says i knew you had kids when i fell in love with you. So we will see..

Hmmm...lets see.. in general i am starting to go the gym more...thank goodness, and soccer season stops October 31 and i will be able to routinely go to the gym. Im telling you i will be wearing my sexy summer cloths by next summer.....and now that i am not stuck dormant to a desk I am moving around more at work so i am now more active and im starting to feel much better.  Rex got his first bath this weekend and OMFG....he tore Paul's hands up...but it was so worth it, he does not smell like the cat box, and his coat is so soft and smooth and he also got his daggers trimmed down some...I drank a little too much saturday and Holy crap i was sick on sunday that is the sickest i have been in a long time.

Well i think that pretty much brings me current with everything..i just have to make more time for LJ it always makes me feel so much better when i get my feelings out. Thanks LJ your the best listener.....LOVE YOU ALL.....


THANKFUL.....

You know i have so much school work i should be doing right now and getting my kids ready to fly to there dad's on Sunday, but i thought i would take a few minutes to just reflect on the past few weeks or so.

1st, I finally got to see staci after so many years and i got to see one of the twins WHOLLY MOLY....i remember when they were just itty bitty babies and when they first crawled and walked OMG now they are bigger than me..well that does not take much but still.  and then there were the little ones..aww how cute......they were...and like night and day of opposites...i think my kaitlyne took a liking to Jacob...he he...she was infatuated with Bob Marley....he he....its alright though i told here there was a pre arranged wedding in store for her when she was ready...HA HA HA HA..that was funny.



Showing us how to use the Wii


Tony, jay and kay.....looking at that crazy puzzle in the cabin.....


Tony and Staci.....we were playing Rummy and drinking Plum wine..YUMMY.....she drank it all too.....


She was describing her sauce from work....boy she had it going on too.....


Me and Staci after i think 19 years...he he.....I LOVE YOU GIRL....

Okay what a fun visit.....

2nd....i have finally realized what true love really is and what it means....(stay tuned for more on that im still trying to figure out how to put that part of my life into words because it is truly indescribable)

3rd. More sad moments....My brother and sister n law had there 2nd child a boy he was born February 12th, 2009 at 5:00 p.m. the day after my son's birthday 2-11-99...woo hooo...anyway by the morning his lungs had filled up with blood and he stopped breathing, they had to fly him down to Miami Dade nicu talk about sad.....this happened the day i went to see staci....but the good news he is finally out of the hospital and at home doing really good and up to 8 pounds....

You know it is really hard for me to really enjoy these happy moments when there are so many people out there that do not have jobs, homes, vehicles, food, health insurance, even the luxury of a clean cloths and yet there are so many people out there that complain because they have to get up in the morning and go to work...or complain because there food was not prepared the way they want it...or the doctor just doesnt care...there are some kids fighting for their lives right this moment with families that are spending there life savings on trips back and forth to the hospital.. there are parents that are abusing there children and killing them and then there are those families that might lose there child to cancer tommorrow...IT JUST MAKES ME WONDER when some people will ever understand...I am grateful every day i can wake up in a warm bed with a roof over my head and my kids in there beds peacefully sleeping, i look forward to coming home to them every day and i hurt when they do and i am thankful that i have a boyfriend who loves me for me and helps me in ways no one ever has.. I am thankful that i have a good job that has security and benefits to make sure i stay healthy. 

HOLD ON FOR THE RIDE OF "MY" LIFE

Well so my life takes on a whole new direction. Just when i think im at my lowest BAM it gets better. You ready to hear the shortened story? Well here it goes:

There is this guy names paul, he was my ex-husbands soldier in hawaii back in 2000, we left the island in 2003 on very good terms and a connection, or bond if you will call it. He was getting out and going home to South Carolina to get married. I tried to warm him against it but he would not listen. That is fine we stayed in touch and periodically would see each other online and say hi. The whole time being honest about the things in our lives and happenings.  So then in 2006 when my ex asked me for a divorce i was crushed and he was there to help me through and understand things, as well there were a few select people in my life that carried me through that. But Paul to was seperating from his wife but had to be seperated from her for a year before he could be divorced. So i stuck by him and listened to him tell me the things she would do and not do it crushed me and we were only friends sure we discussed other possibilites of he and i but never in depth or of any seriousness.  All in all we were always honest with each other and communicated things very well to each other. He and i had a connection a bond that neither of us realized would eventually be the one thing that brought us together. So he was going to move to Oklahoma in 2007, but instead my life took an almost u-turn and i met this guy wayyy younger than i- 16 years to be exact.  I had to break it to paul that i was moving to knoxville, tn to be with another guy..  i could tell he was hurt and broken hearted we did not speak for months and then when we did the conversations started. i would confess to him how this other guy ended up breaking my heart, lieing to me, cheating, and well just irresponsible with my love. We would joke and say man i can trust no one and he would say the same thing but then one day we realized WOW i trust you.....but we still were not where we were meant to be in life,,,he had a few girlfriends and i supported him and congratulated him on them and gave him good advice none from selfishness i put that aside and realized to myself if he was my friend first i needed to be his friend and support his wishes no matter how bad they hurt inside to hear him talk about them..

BUT............one day i broke up with my boyfriend well over 3 months ago...but was truly in fact over hims for 8 months...but paul had a girlfriend and was only with her for a short bit (but has known her since high school) and wanted him to stop talking to me. I cordially agreed to and promised not to bother him but would always be there no matter what because you see i knew it would not last and i bide my time long enough and sure enough she broke his heart....out of no where..So i recieved a message regarding this and phoned him. He thought i would be mad but NOPE because i realized in May 2007 he had my heart.  Well his job was closing for 2 weeks for break and i invited him to come here and OMG i was so nervous cuz we had not seen each other in like 5 years or so. He shows up and the energy the connection the bond, my nerves calmed and then was truly an awesome time. He stayed for 2 weeks and we discovered that we were meant to be, we were made for each other and no one else that would explain all the heartbreaks we both had. The pleasure i experience with him is not all physical it is mentally and emotionally. We are attached and he fills the other half of my heart to make us one. Paul truly is the kindest and most respectful man i know. He is an example of how i want my son to turn out to be. We have always loved each other but not really on a level of disclosure everytime....So Decemb 29 i told him i loved him, he could not reciprocate and said to be patient and i will understand his timing when he tells me...Well new years eve we played monoply and scrabble with the kids and watched the ball drop and had some bubbly and the kids had some sparkling grape juice. Exactly at midnight he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. talk about romantic...i cried....The kids were there and experienced this with us and witnessed him telling me he loves me..it truly was beautiful. He is a beautiful person and has an even better soul. His energy is in abundant and gives as much as he recieves. Our true love is that we can accept the others love with out fear or anxiety that the other will be irresponsible and mistreat it.

Okay guess i can stop for now. LOL....

Trace 

PERFECT

Okay here goes another yet heartfelt entry, for those of you tracking my fun filled drama filled life…LMAO..

Have you ever met someone you really could not ever figure out why they were really in your life and you felt as though your whole life of knowing them was just some sort of acquaintance or as just a fond memory.  You go through life being there for advice or to listen as the same goes for them, by being there listening to you no matter how trivial or stupid it might be they were there.  As you confide in each other,  trust each other,  and no matter the amount of pain the other person might have been in,  you hurt just as bad for them, because they were/are  a friend and there was nothing you could do for them at that moment but listen and sympathize with them, the whole time not realizing where those moments would lead in the future.  You realize at some point the exact thing we are proclaiming to each other that we as individuals will never find that perfect opposite and that we will never find that person we will be able to trust and will never be able to find anyone to love as hard as you do until you just stop looking because the whole time it has been right in your face. However, you realize this now after talking and realizing that everything we went through was to prepare us for each other we just were not the wiser at that moment of clarity in helping each other through rough times.  All it took is one split second for us to realize DESTINY and accept that we are each other’s perfect opposite.  We tried to fight it and we tried to ignore those feelings and we tried to move on to other people to fill that void but it just never worked out. Yes I am as happy as I could ever be by myself but you said it best when you said “I am too but there is the other half of me that is missing that should be filled with love and happiness” from my perfect opposite.  You are a beautiful person!  There is so much more I could say but I will save it for an upcoming blog.

Thank you for always being you and never changing for allowing me to know the true you.   


CHILVARY

Well there is this guy named Lonnie and well when i was married we met him while stationed in hawaii,.here is a picture of he and i back in 2001 i think it was.



He is a medic in the Army. Well Lonnie and i stayed friends and when i told him that Brian asked me for the divorce in 2006. Well at that time he disclosed to me that he had fallen in love with me while in hawaii and distanced himself from everything. So we began a journey of talking and being friends and losing contact and regaining contact and then he was stationed in Ft. Stuart GA right down the road from my hometown in Jesup and i tried to get there to visit and well that failed to, he was then sent to Ft. Campbell KY.  Well he was with a woman and well they were breaking up and she ended up pregnant and i thought my chances were lost and then he ended up going to Iraq for a year.  Well in january he happened to be on messenger at the same time i was and he and i began to talk and he was telling me he wanted to see me when he got home and well i was with david and told him that was not possible. Well as we all know David and i broke up. I would not say i forgot about Lonnie but put him in a distant FOND and loving memory sense i had not heard from him after emailing and leaving messages no response i figured he had giving up or just was no longer interested. Well it happens that he just got back from Iraq about 2 or 3 weeks ago and this week he happened to come on to messenger the same time i was on and we started talking and he asked what i was doing for Thanksgiving i told him of my plans and he was like well i am at my parents in Illinois why dont we meet in St. Louis which is only 4 hours north of where i was so instead of me driving back to knoxville or spending 62.00 dollars for a hotel or go to see him so embarked on a journey to St. Louis to see him. I was so nervous i had a million and 1 thoughts in my head and i knew there was a hint of emotion/feeling there or i would not have agreed to meet him. So i finally get there with all these butterflies in my stomach and my hands shaking and the what if he does not like what he sees and then i reminded myself it is not your looks he is attracted to it is me...and who i am. So i get there and when i pulled up he was waiting for me and i stopped my vehicle jumped out and ran to him and wrapped my arms around him because it has been since 2003 since i seen him last. So we go inside in which first he tried to carry  my bag up the stairs to the room and me being the independant woman i was like no not realizing this is him. OMG the chemistry the sparks. Well we get into the hotel and just lay there for a minute and chat and smile at each other and then we finally have that passionate kiss that i longed to feel. WOWSER....amazing. the way he touched me sent chills down my spine. Then we ripped each others cloths off since we had been wanting each other for a VERY LONG TIME... it was so amazing the way we just melted into each other really no set rythym no set time really no set goal other than to feel each other. YOu know you see what they depict making love as on TV. but truly what is making love, it is an emotion that two people feel and whether it be a slow and passionate or passionate aggressive is up to the two involved. that went on an hour or two then we decided we were hungry and got out of the room and went and ate at Dave n Busters one of the last places we ate at in hawaii. Then we went to the casino and let me remind you he opened my door and closed it and when we went and ate he opened the door and let me in first and then he let me sit down first WOW....and then at the casino nothing or no one around us seemed to exist..he would not let me spend one penney and even gave me money to gamble on....it was so much fun. and he would just ever so slightly just touch my neck or my cheek he would hold my hand and we would just walk around seemingly as if everyone just glided out of our way.  was just nice. then all things come to an end. The next morning when it was time to part our ways we did not say goodbye just see you later and well a tear trickled down my cheek. Well im just scared because during all of this he told me he loved me. But I am scared because im afraid of being hurt again and i was not looking for this by no means and my best friend and mom said that as soon as i stopped it would happen it would just bite me in the ass. Is this it UGH.....



OOPS I MEANT TO ADD THE CURRENT US....



UPDATE!

This guy turned out to be a true asshole and did not talk to me after getting laid..What a fucknut retard. Do not ask me what i was thinking when i wrote this blog...guess my head was in the clouds and my clear thinking was blocked by lack of oxygen what ever it may have been i was rambling and i guess grasping onto whatever i could to possibly think this might be Mr. Right but hell he was not really even Mr. Right in bed. YEAH YEAH I KNOW WHAT I WROTE ABOVE I guess because it was a part of my past that i liked and well NOPE! So you can read it and see i do wear my heart on my sleeve but what he and i shared nothing more than lust....BOTTOM LINE.....he is a player and i fell for it....UGH! but he told me to lose his number and not to bother him again. Fine...no worries i give respect...



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